She knew

She viewed white as white. There was no confusion there, nor was there a need to decorate the words. White is white, black is black. The less the grey, the better for everybody.

Grey made her uncomfortable. It made you take actions which could be regretted later. ‘Life should be colourful, with the least possible amount of grey’, she used to say. And that is why her choices in life had always been level headed. She did not go out of the way to help anybody but took care never to hurt anyone as well. That was her.

Time and life conspire to inject ambiguity in your path. That is what happened to her. Her life was sorted before she met him. He was not a reckless person and meeting him opened up new possibilities for her, for them. He lived comfortably with ambiguity. Money, stability, though important to him, were not very serious objects of contention. When it came to these two invaluable resources, he was a hopeless romantic. He could not take them as seriously as she took them. This bothered her, but not so much.

And then they got married. It was a simple affair, like the people who are already married in their heads tend to have. They got into a pact of looking out for each other and witnessing the awesomeness of their lives together. Outwardly, they were a placid couple; no wild parties, no irresponsible behaviour. But if you peeped within, you could see a restlessness to do something worthwhile with the time they had together. And thus, they vowed to make life their bitch.

People seek stability. And when they achieve it, they seek stability on a different plane. Both of them had a steady job, good income, beautiful family. But when an opportunity to seek a new stability came, they took it.

And here they were, in a foreign land, away from their own. They never felt alone though, as long as they had each other. There was a doubt, daily, about the future. But then, they found the essence of enjoying the day as it came. Learning to embrace the new culture, they fell in love with the foreignness of the new land. Stability was like the light at the end of the tunnel. There were a lot many questions which had no answers. He was not worried though and she was.

But as long as they were together, she knew, they would make it work.

Elaichi chai

Elaichi chai is the cure.

He put the saucepan on the stove, lit it and added the tea leaves. The concept of tea is different in Mumbai. It is rarely steeped here. It is not the delicate kiss of the tea leaves, leaving behind a faint aroma and a sunset hue. It is the compromise the ingredients make with each other because of being in a hot dark cramped place: like everything else in Mumbai. And yet, it is a cure for the gloomy weekdays that you spend at home because of rains.

It was a Thursday. An off today meant that there was a possibility of an extended weekend. Just take a day off, and you could have four days of bliss; or misery. The rain would not stop, neither would the water on the roads recede. He was used to it, the way a person submits to destiny. It was the same every year, and nothing could be done about it. Mumbaikars deal with days like this as they deal with chickenpox in their childhood. It is inevitable, and nothing you do is going to ease the situation. You have to let it run its course, and then you are free. He hated how his colleagues from other places complained about it.

They all came here to be at a better place. They never complained of all the good things they could enjoy while being here. There is no place in India where you could be at such an ease as in Mumbai, or so he thought. And yet, they complained about the food, about the rains, about the crowd, about the heat. The list would go on and on. And yet, they would never leave! They did not understand that Mumbai is not a loving mother that would nurture you. It was a huge ship that treated you like the barnacles stuck on its hull. Enjoy the ride, but if the current gets too strong, it the ship would not care.
Water had logged below his building. He could see plastic bags floating around, and stray dogs perched on cars in the silt parking of the opposite building to avoid the water. He checked his phone. There were a dozen emails from his overseas colleagues. But they could wait. He was in no mood to work. Besides, he did not want to sit in front of his laptop all day at home. It would be better to come up with stuff life power cuts. People would believe it anyway. 

The tea was almost done. He added some milk and let it boil some more. He thought of switching careers. He thought of taking up photography. He lacked passion in his life, and photography was the only thing that was close to what he could call one. Though, to leave a well-paying job and take up something alternate was not something he would consider seriously. It was one of the many regrets he would have at his deathbed. 

His phone buzzed again. It was an email from his Desi boss from the West Coast who had migrated there a few years back, and had adopted the convenient ways of the Americans. There was, however, no concession for his subordinates in Mumbai. The email was about a certain presentation that was ‘urgently’ required. He know the drill. He would send in 50 slides and he would be told to compress the whole thing into 6, without losing the ‘essence’. He had tried sending 6 slides once, only to be told to do the job wholeheartedly. 

He looked at his laptop, at the corner of the table. ‘You would have no rest today my friend’ he thought looking at it. He sighed. Soon, he would spend his Thursday, at his own desk, till his neck was sore, and some more. But first, there was always time for some tea.

What do I stand for?

I hate hypothetical questions of nonsensical nature. My personal un-favorites are ‘What if you..’ It makes me wonder, what does one test with it. What does one prove with it?

I have seen people making a ruckus over minor things. Maybe, I gave a rupee to a beggar. Some other day, I did not. I don’t think I should make a strict rule whether to give alms or not, or for that matter, tip a waiter, or tell the Rickshaw-walla to keep the change. It’s my money I guess. But, I guess I am digressing.

What do I stand for? In a Business school, at least a conscientious one, words like ‘Core values’ ‘ethical obligations’ ‘social responsibility’ are thrown around so casually that they never do stick, let alone sink in. I say conscientious, and not sensitive, because, they see a need and cater to the demand. I am in no position to blame them. I do not know the complete picture. But the term: ‘Core values’ often gets me thinking.

Core Values: Values at our core. But what is our core? Is it our brain? Our heart? Our mind? What? What do we mean by values? How many of these are self adopted and not enforced upon us? How genuinely truthful are we to ourselves?

I guess values are like reflexes. Given time to think, one would come up with the best possible response. But the way you respond on a spinal level: that are your values. And rightfully so. Take a drunken man for instance. He has chemically shut off his cerebrum! The way he responds is dictated by his values.

So, can we really affix morality to our values? Because, morality is often dissected as a hind thought. It has all the time in the world to judge and be judged. I guess, the exhibition of our values does not have the liberty of time!

So I guess, I cannot say truly, what I stand for. It is situational. But I can say this with a reasonable certainty: My values are test-worthy! But please, Do not attempt to test them with a ‘What If’ question.

As our Professor once said,

“Hypothetical questions will always get you hypothetical answers!”

A last few days as a Doctor.

 

It feels weird to change the profession. It feels weirder that I never flaunted the tag. After all, was it not the big dream?

I don’t know. Being a doctor is a huge responsibility. People assume you are intelligent and well updated about the current medical advancements. People ask for your opinions. People send their children to get some inspiration from you. Patients look up to you, expecting miracles. Can you deliver? It is limited by a whole lot of variables. But you have to pretend to make your magic work.

I am going to miss it all. Well, I had decided to shift the profession a long time back. But now, when I am literally on the brink, I look back and reflect. Have I been a good doctor? I don’t know. Have I helped save lives? I guess I have, with the utmost restrained passivity with which I could have possibly done that. Over all, an average, i would sum it up to say,I did not do justice to the profession.

But it has taught me a lot. At a relatively young age, I have started taking some significant decisions. It has taught me how to talk with someone, how to behave with dignity, and most importantly, how to be a good human being.

People ask me, why I decide to leave the profession. I don’t have one possible answer. The only reason I can give, which might be the closest to the truth, is that I did not think the way a doctor is supposed to think. Medicine defies logic many a times. And logic ruled me. I need an answer to the ‘why’ which is answered by a fancy word ‘idiopathic’ in the fraternity.

May be I wasted a medical seat. Maybe I did not end up to be what my parents expected me to be. All I can say is, I am not done yet. It would be extremely vain to say, that I am destined for greatness. But I am definitely destined for something which was not this. So, without further ado, I bid farewell to being a doctor.  some day, if things are different, who knows, we will cross paths again! till then, Adios ! it was a good run!